I have lost control over my appetite and I’ve been fighting
fighting all day
fighting every minute
I woke up hungry
oh so hungry
and yet I lost control
I lost control over myself
I ate
I couldn’t not
I was so hungry
and yet I didn’t want to
I ate so much yesterday
No, 2 days ago.
Or was it the day before?
And I needed to get rid of it
let it all go
I was so hungry
I lost control
I lost control
I lost the fight
My body won
I didn’t want my body
I didn’t want my appetite
I didn’t want my natural cues
my instincts
to win
I wanted to win
I wanted to be the one to call the shots
I wanted to make up for all the birthday dinners, for all the Christmas luncheons, for all the cookies and the New Year’s champagne
I lost control over my body
I lost the fight
And I had been fighting the entire day
every minute
all I could think about was my body
was food
should I eat?
should I not?
what should I eat?
how much?
was this too much?
was it too little?
would this get me over?
ohhh I have to drive in the car
nothing will distract me from thinking about what I am craving so
Desperately
ohhhh I have to sit here at work
I’m bored
I’m so hungry
But I shouldn’t eat
I’m not allowed to
I ate so much three days ago
I ate
and yet
the next day I ate even more
I promised myself that this was going to be it
I promised myself that I was going to be done with all of it
I promised myself that that weekend was the last binge
I promised
and yet here I am
What am I doing?
I’m destroying my body
What am I doing?
I’m destroying my diet
What am I doing and why can’t I stop?
I am destroying all the work that I’ve put into having this shape
all of the work that I’ve put into losing the weight
I am losing the fight.
against my appetite.
And I fought so hard
eating all the right stuff
eating veggies
eating fruit
Not going into the chocolate cupboard
even though I wanted to
but I was strong and I was good
and I knew that if only I went to bed really, really early tonight
I would make it
just like I did yesterday
But I was too hungry and I lost the fight
And then this morning I was so hungry again
I wanted today to be the perfect diet day
I wanted today to be everything yesterday was not
I wanted today to be the first day of going back to normal
I wanted today to be the day I won back the upper hand
I wanted today to be the first day of my slim life
Thin
in control
having total peace of mind
although my mind is at war with itself
although my body keeps screaming at me
yelling for food
wanting nutrition
I need today to be a good diet day
But I’ve already ruined it
It’s 11am and all I’ve done is binge
It just keeps getting worse
What if it never stops?
What if today is not the beginning of my life, of the rest of my freedom, of the rest of my body triumph?
What if today is the beginning of me feeling even more shame, of this hunger never ending, this hole in my body never being full?
What if today and tomorrow are the same?
What if it just keeps going on like this?
What if I can’t stop losing control?
What if I lose the fight against my own body?
I am terrified
I am scared
I don’t want this to hurt so much but it does
and I want my body to be under my control again
I want my body back
My thin body
The only one I can love
Who am I if I don’t have control?
What is going to happen with my life if I don’t have control over food?
The truth is I’m scared of the life that’s out there
I’m scared of another way of being in my body and being alive
And I am so good at controlling.
But today
and yesterday
and the days before
I sucked
These days were bad
I am bad
I need to get back on track
I need to put my body in her place again
I know, I know
It’s just going to be the same
But I have to hope that one day it’s going to change
And then it’ll just be easy
It’ll just be me controlling my body
But sometimes it feels so good to just let go
It feels so good to be everything I never allow myself to be
And then, then comes the fear
That was the story of my life.
That is the story I hear from my clients every single day.
Their pain, I feel it viscerally.
Their angst, I can relate to it.
I used to feel it too.
The horror of gaining weight.
The horror of bingeing and losing control.
The horror of it happening over and over again.
Oh this fear,
the tightness around the heart,
the tightness around the belly
the tightness around this life.
All my clients want is to have control.
All they need, they think,
is to dominate.
All they desire is the management of their appetite.
The truth is that, that we can’t control our appetite just as we can’t control how often we breathe.
And yet, it feels like such a failure when you binge and you’re determined to never binge again.
It feels so scary when you’re determined to start anew every day, but the binges happen again and again.
You are in despair, I get it.
But sweetheart, this is not the end of the road, this is just the beginning.
This despair opens up a whole new world.
Once you notice that this is not the way to live.
The tightness,
the fear,
the starting anew every day,
hoping that today is going to be the day you eat just “perfectly”,
Is never going to work,
you can get back on track.
Once you realize that that is never going to happen,
that there is not perfect diet day and no perfect diet,
that you are not ever going to be able to control your appetite in a long term way,
darling,
then,
you open the windows for real freedom to begin:
the freedom to eat what you want when you want without fear, guilt or shame,
the freedom to connect with your body on a real, deep basis,
the freedom to take care of yourself in a transformative way,
the freedom to be yourself.
Stepping outside of the tight control, of the suffering that you’re so committed to because this is nothing but a waste of your potential.
This is nothing but a pillar for you to hide behind,
a pillar that you’re trying to turn into a massive wall!
A wall around your fears,
so that you can live as small as possible,
crushing your dreams, crushing your hopes, crushing whatever freedom there is left.
A wall that is sucking the juice out of you
sucking your entire body dry
the more you diet the dryer your heart,
your mind,
your creative juices get.
So yeah, you feel like you’re failing at dieting,
you feel like you need to control even more,
you feel like you’ve lost the fight
but really
you’ve won
your body has won
your body is fighting for her life.
So allow your body to show you where she needs to be nourished.
So allow your appetite to guide you towards a healthier life.
So allow your soul, your true hunger to support you towards living your dreams.
Don’t fight.
Even if you’ve eaten yesterday,
eat again.
Even if you have been fighting your body all day long,
you can relax and trust right now.
And sure at the beginning it might be chaotic.
And sure at the beginning it might seem overwhelming.
And maybe sometimes the in-betweens feel even worse.
The urges to stuff
because you’re trying to numb.
And so you allow
slowly learning
that binges are just a way of your body telling you that something is off balance
and sometimes it’s just your body wanting more food.
But you’re not losing a war,
you’re beginning to win.
So even if today you feel all the guilt,
even if today you feel full of shame,
even if today you feel like you can hardly breathe because of all the perceived damage you have done,
remember that this “damage” is your body fighting for her life.
This “damage” is your blessing as you’re starting to reawaken to the true desires of your soul.
Yes, I get it
it’s hard
and I hear you
it sucks
and I feel you
it hurts
and it doesn’t have to be this way.
Not forever.
This is just the beginning.
Take a deep breath,
listen and tune in and say a few words of forgiveness,
of gratitude for your body,
for your hunger.
Tell her you’re sorry for denying her the food she so desperately craves,
the food that nourishes her creativity,
that nourishes her life force and herself.
Promise her you’ll heal
instead of promising her and yourself that you’ll shrink.
I’m here with you every step of the way – if you desire.
When you come and feel burdened, we will work through your feelings, your pain and afterwards you’re one step closer
or ten
towards living in freedom from this monster called diet prison.
Is your heart tugging at you, letting you know that it’s time to step it up and heal?
Does it make you queasy, scared shitless just thinking about contemplating what’s possible for you?
And yet, do you feel moved to change your pain and your life?
Then book your discovery session with me now and let’s dive into the deep end of the pool – knowing that it’s scary and a real challenge for you. And that’s OK. Book your call with me anyway.
