Deepening.
That was my “word” for 2019.
I intended to deepen my experience of life, my relationships, my everyday moments, my coaching sessions, my downtime, my mission, my HAES work, my own self-care and my writing.
I intended to be open to whatever life had in store for me.
And life had a lot in store for me – most of which was not what I expected.
Is it ever, though?
So, here we are. At the end of this year, at the end (or maybe it’s just the beginning) of the deepening.
This year zipped by – as they always do, don’t they?
It’s important to take a moment to reflect on the past 12 months then in order to remember what stood out, what was grand, what was painful and what was just so remarkably different that you can’t but notice it.
2019 was a year that was challenging for many. It opened many wounds, but also many hearts. It created the space for wings to be unfolded and leaps to be taken. It was a year that brought many to their personal rockbottom and then allowed them to rise up from the ashes and sparkle like never before.
2019, you were, well, interesting.
Let’s take a look at the experiences you provided, the challenges you presented and the lessons you taught.
Celebrating Fastnacht (Carnival) with Johann
We had SO much fun changing into costume after costume after costume. This was the first year that we really got to do all the fun stuff surrounding Fastnacht together and I allowed my inner child to come out and play, be goofy AF and just make sure Johann had the best time (as did I).
Our trips to Lisbon, Paris, Egypt & more
This was the year I turned my longing for more traveling into a reality again. It’s been something I missed so much since I gave birth in 2014.
Johann and I went to Lisbon to meet up with my bestie Winnie. It’s a gorgeous city and we even got to go to the beach in early April – a first for me in years! We headed to Paris in October to spend time with my New Yorker friend Andrea and Winnie – of course – didn’t miss the party. In November Johann and I flew to Egypt, a fascinating experience. There were more trips – including our annual trip to Saint Tropez – and each and every one of those was awe-inspiring and life-changing.
It’s fun to travel with Johann now as he really “gets” it and is super interested to see and explore new places. I am happy that I have the means to show him the world at such a young age as I believe this is one of the best ways to expand your horizon and realize how crazy cool different cultures and places all around the world really are.
Attending the Weight Stigma Conference & Visiting the Niagara Falls
In June I traveled to Canada to attend the 7th Annual Weight Stigma Conference (and boy was that event intimidating! I felt like the smallest, most unknowing and ignorant fish in the water. I learned so much in these two days though that I would otherwise have never learned).
I added an extra day to my visit to go and see the Niagara Falls and was so glad I did. What a cool adventure and such a majestic wonder of nature. I was thinking of Pam and Jim’s wedding (from the Office, in case you didn’t know ;)) the entire time and relived memories of me healing from my depression so many years ago.
Becoming an auntie
June was a big month! Not only did Johann turn 5, but a day before his birthday, my niece was born. We’ve all fallen head over heels in love with her and I can’t get enough snuggle time with that cheeky little girl. She was the first baby I held since I’ve had Johann and I have totally forgotten how tiny they are.
And also – it made me realize how glad I am that Johann is older now. 😉
My new office
I finally moved into my new office. I’d been procrastinating on putting the finishing touches on it (perfectionism?) for MONTHS, but as I am typing this, I am joyously sitting in my gorgeous new office in our even cooler new apartment.
It was time for a change and it’s not 100% done yet, but the hunger for more beauty that was taking shape inside of me needed to be put into reality creatively. There’s more to come and I’m excited to enhance my surroundings and design even more of a real home that feels warm, yet cool, bright, yet soft.
Stepping into being a more powerful coach
I decided to sign up for another Mastermind group led by my yoga teacher and her colleague. Being part of a group of women who allowed themselves to be vulnerable, open up and hold space for each other allowed me to gain even more insight into my desires, my fears, my deepest secrets and dreams.
Having the support of this community supported me in my mission to level up my capacity to be a better coach. I grew tremendously as a life coach and healer this year and it is all due to my own commitment to burning down more and more bridges to the lies my insecurities tell me on a daily basis.
Setting boundaries
I’ve learned to set firm boundaries with family members, friends and clients. I used to be terrified of setting and then respecting any boundaries as I wanted to please everyone around me. (If I don’t always do what they want me to do, they won’t love me anymore, right?). This past year, I had a radically honest conversation with myself and created strong rules for how I allowed others – especially close family members – to treat me. And OMG, so much has changed as a result of this.
Sticking to my boundaries, repeating the new “rules” over and over and over again was scary for sure and it brought up many power struggles and tantrums, but I stuck with them and it was AWESOME.
If you’re scared of honoring yourself and setting boundaries, do it anyway. 😉
The Challenges
Losing Mimama
In January we lost our grandma, 2 days after her 91st birthday. She’s missed and it was awful letting her go, but at the same time, it was best for her. She didn’t want to suffer anymore and she wanted to be with her husband. We’re all comforted by the fact that she is now holding hands with her “Männi” in heaven again while he tells her that she is the most beautiful woman “at the table”. Always.
Being single again
A few weeks after my grandma’s funeral I was dumped and I had to learn how to be single again. This breakup was painful AF and it still is – a year later. I felt numb for a while and absolutely broken. I couldn’t believe that he wasn’t part of my life anymore. Every fiber of my being hurt.
As time went by, I began to heal, honoring myself again, allowing the hurt to give life to a deeper capacity for love. I went on dates with myself. I treated myself to very special moments, went to meditation classes and became more creative again. I’m still healing. I’m still tender. I’m still fully loving and in love with what was but I also learned how fun it can be to not have a boyfriend and that a truly full life can be designed without a romantic partner. Big lesson for me!
My fears of not being liked
As Johann is beginning to have more and more friends over at our house and is going to more friends’ houses, I am forced to have more contact with other moms and it terrified me. My inner trolls still tell me on a regular basis that I am not a person that can be liked or even loved, that I am automatically looked down upon and hated for who I am.
Doing small talk and even being invited for coffee dates makes me sweat like a horse and my inner dialogue is always something like this: what am I going to say? I’m sure I’ll put my foot in my mouth! Gosh, WHY did you have to laugh so awkwardly? Can’t you just behave like a normal person for once? Why does she look at me so weirdly? What did she think I said wrong now? She hates me. Yeah, she really hates me…
This is a work in progress and as I am writing this summary of 2019, I am confronted with a situation that caused me a sleepless night. It’s minor, but it cracked me open and the fears of just not being like-able came rushing through this tiny little hole.
2020 will surely provide me with many learning experiences when it comes to just showing up as me and being confident that others respect and like me for who I am. If not, I’ll deal with it.
Mother’s guilt
Oh, that one is my constant and I’ve felt especially in the last few weeks. I never feel like I am measuring up as a mom and I only have one kid. I feel “less than” because I work a lot and love working and I can’t always say “yes” to Johann’s demands for my time and attention. I feel like he often gets the short end of the stick and that hurts a lot.
He’s a funny, bright, intelligent young man and I feel like he deserves more than what I can give him on a daily basis. I am learning to be kind to myself, knowing that I can only give so much and at the same time I am still working on that work-life-mommy-me-balance, which I know is a complete myth. 😉
Receiving a surprise visit from past traumas
While on vacation in June, I had some repressed memories come up that completely turned my life upside down for a few months. I worked hard on releasing the trauma and coming back home into my body and heart again.
What helped me through those painful months were regular coaching sessions that hurt and went deep but were so necessary, going to my Kundalini Yoga class every week and being in the positive and uplifting space that this kind of yoga provides, intense journaling sessions, dance parties, EFT tapping sessions to release repressed emotions and lots of patience, self-compassion, absolute radical honesty and – yes – allowing the tears to flow.
My relationship with food and my body
What can I say? It just gets better and better and easier and easier. Oh how much easier it all gets.
I am in awe of my body, of the way my temple held me this year. I am inspired by all she does for me and I try to be as gentle, loving and kind as I can be in return.
I’ve continued to experiment more in the kitchen, have been baking more and more and am trying new foods I’d never have eaten 10 years ago. I am still astonished every time I turn something into a meal like “what?? it really worked?” and more and more often, it really, really does work super well.
Food, my body and I are on superb terms and I have a very strong feeling it’ll stay that way. 😉
My word for 2020
Honestly, I don’t have a word. It hasn’t “come” to me just yet.
Maybe I need to be single for a while longer and deepen my relationship with myself, heal all the limiting beliefs around living life without a romantic partner and completely owning my financial independence, which is one of the greatest things I’ve achieved (not because of the cash, that is cool, but because turning my innate “knowing” of never being able to ear my own money completely around).
Maybe I need to beautify more and create even more of a home, a nest.
Maybe I need to concentrate on being a more present mom and auntie.
Or maybe, I don’t need to do anything and just be.
I’ll let you know once I know. 😉
What I do know though is that 2020 it’s going to be an adventure and I’m all in for it.
How about you?
What were your top experiences in 2019, the challenges you faced and the lessons you’ve learned? What are you going to bring into 2020 and do you have a “word” for this year yet?
I have two spaces available to work with me in January. 1-1. Intimate. Tight. Intense.
No bullshit.
Is your soul nudging you that it’s time?
Are you ready to walk away from the shame that is ruining your life?
Is yesterday the last day you’ll lose?
Book a convo here (anne-sophie@annesophie.us) and we’ll make sure it’s a good fit for you.
