What really causes the pain, the fear, the agony?
What really causes you to drop and cry?
What really causes the overeating, the never-ever ending binge episodes?
What really causes all this?
Where does it come from?
Where did it begin?
Where does it end?
And when?
It really doesn’t matter as long as you know what is going on, what the pain is and whether you’re willing to go deeper.
There’s no end to suffering when all you do is eat.
There’s no end to your suffering when all you do is restrict.
And wish yourself away.
There’s no end.
Because eating, not eating, binging, dieting –
they’re no answer.
They’re no solution.
The solution lies in you.
And in your pain.
So, where does it come from?
Where does it begin?
And how will it end?
Will it continue to hurt like hell?
Get worse?
Better?
Go all away?
We won’t know until you “go there”.
Into the wild.
That part of you that hasn’t been explored.
That’s stayed safe.
Screaming, yearning, hurling.
But safe, tucked away for nobody to see, hear or feel.
This part of you is scared.
Not safe.
Never was.
In its essence, never will be.
There’s no more you need to do than “go there” and venture into your own universe.
That part of you that would gladly welcome you
if you dared to see
where it begins.
The reason we don’t heal is not because we can’t.
It’s because we don’t tune in to where it all started.
We work on the surface, stay on the surface, live on the surface and believe that the surface is where the healing lies.
When it’s the complete opposite.
The surface is not a life.
The surface won’t lead to wellbeing, emotional intelligence, pure unadulterated joy. All the surface is is, well, the surface.
Your pain didn’t start there, won’t end there.
It goes deeper, way into your core.
That little girl you once were,
that vulnerable child is still there.
Waiting for you to pick her up.
And although you may feel safe pushing her away, she wants you, needs you to heal.
Those fears you keep on pushing down, they won’t disappear.
Ignoring the monster won’t make it disappear, no matter how hard you wish it to leave.
Ignoring the monster won’t make your world all good again, no matter how hard you try.
Ignoring the monster will forever result in inner instability, emotional distress and that feeling that something isn’t quite right.
And you know.
Of course you know.
Oh, how you know
what that pain really is.
Where it came from.
Where it began.
And you know.
Of course you know.
Oh, how you know
how you’re ignoring it, numbing it, filling yourself up and tearing yourself apart.
Does it work?
Does it?
If it did, would you read these lines?
There’s no pretending in healing –
you either go all the way or you go nowhere at all.
There’s no faking in healing –
you either get vulnerable or you stay hurt.
There’s no running,
no hiding,
no staying low.
If you want to be free, you must give it your all.
Take the time.
Hell, make the time to do this work.
Embrace the effort, the pain, the fear.
Go all the freaking way and you will be free.
If you don’t, you maybe won’t.
There’s no recipe that works for all, but what I know is that the pain is there for a reason, for a cause, a good one, one that will move you closer to who you are.
And it hurts.
God, yes, it hurts.
But it’s worth it as you’ll release it
with love.
If you want, if you’re willing to, ready, challenged enough that the pain of change won’t be as massive as the pain of staying where you are.
Why do we wait so long?
Why don’t we allow ourselves to go there sooner?
To live a fuller life?
To have a more simpler experience?
Why do we have to be curled up in a ball of tears
on the floor of our bathroom
encased in thornes of bizarre agony
to get the support we deserve?
Why do we have to fall so far?
Because we’re human.
Because we’re ashamed.
Because we don’t want to admit to ourselves that this isn’t what we want, that this isn’t who we are, that this isn’t what we’ve imagined for ourselves.
And mostly that this is not working.
And is it?
Is it working for you?
Are you kidding yourself? Lying to yourself?
Keeping yourself from the truth? The real source of your pain?
What’s in it for you?
How does staying here serve you?
Great questions and only you have the answer.
Put the pretenses down, stop the lying to yourself and do what you’ve always known you needd to do:
meet yourself where the pain began and then, gently, slowly, steadily, heal your core until you know, you really know – and you will, that you’re free.
The light, the freedom, the end of the tunnel, it’s all already there. Open your eyes and you’ll see.
