„Pregnant.“

My gynecologist looked at me in surprise.

She’d known me for more than a decade. Had gone through my eating disorder with me, had seen me at my worst and knew that I had just separated from my husband. Again. Mere 2 days before I sat on her chair.

I couldn’t think. I didn’t feel. I just stared ahead, got dressed, shook her hand and walked out of her office.

Pregnant? Now? Me? How?

I had given up all hopes of ever conceiving a child. Doctors had told me. We had tried for years and nothing had happened, nothing worked. I couldn’t have children, had ruined my body. It wasn’t possible.

I sat in the car, turned on the engine and dialed my husband’s number. No answer. What do I do?

I called my mom, afraid of her reaction, afraid of saying the words out loud.

She was fantastic. Calm. Comforting. Just mom.

I was pregnant. 8 weeks already. After all my fears, all my tears, all my regrets, there was a life growing inside of me. Slowly, I began to relax, tears were running down my cheeks and a smile was spreading across my face. I was going to be a mom. I was having a baby.

My life-long dream was becoming a reality. Against all odds, there was life inside of me.

The next 7 months were amazing. I loved being pregnant, seeing my body change and grow. Feeling my child for the very first time was a miracle and I never once stopped being in awe of feeling it kick and move inside. I was going to be alone, but that was OK.

There were fears, yes. I was scared of not being able to provide for the 2 of us. I was afraid of not being “enough” – as a woman, a mom and a sole parent.

But deep down, I knew. I knew I was going to be OK, perfect even. I knew I was strong.

Oh and how much stronger I got with each day of this pregnancy. I learned to take better care of myself. I learned what it meant to have true love, true acceptance for myself. I learned to accept my fears and embrace my hurtful beliefs. I learned to be myself, believe in myself, truly see myself for the very first time in my life. It felt like a door had opened up inside of me and every day, I got a glimpse into a whole new world.

It felt amazing and I felt as ready as you can be when your life is about to be turned upside down.

June 7, 2014

I’m sitting in the waiting room of the delivery station. It’s hot, oh so hot and I’m third in line to see a midwife. My contractions have started. I don’t feel them a lot. It’s early stages, but they’re here. I’m having a baby. It’s really happening now.

June 9, 2014

Midnight. He’s here. Looking at me. Not one scream. He’s just observing and he’s perfect. 38 weeks of pregnancy. 266 days. 1.5 days of labor. 6 hours of intense pain. Now I’m holding him, feeling him, kissing him.

It wasn’t an easy birth (if there ever is one…). I had to be induced. It took forever and I was alone for the last phase of it all, the time when it began to get real. But I managed. And now I’m holding this bundle of cuteness in my arms.

It was all worth it. The labor. The fight against my eating disorder. Holding on to life. My failed marriage. My life off the straight path that everyone else seemed to walk. It was all worth it. And I’d do it a million times over, just to have Johann lying on my chest, looking in my eyes.

The next 11 weeks go by like in a haze. Days and nights are merging. I’m feeding, changing, consoling. I’m walking up and down and up and down and I can’t stop looking at him, observing him, checking if he’s still breathing in the middle of his naps. He’s changing so rapidly, learning something new every day, every hour.

Motherhood feels natural. Johann feels like he’s always been supposed to be here. He’s always been planned. We’re a team and we’re going to figure this all out.

Of course, I have moments of pure exhaustion. Of course, I’m sighing when he wakes up in the middle of the night. Of course, I’m tired. All. The. Time. But I’m never stressed. I don’t feel burdened. I don’t feel trapped.

As I’m writing this, he’s lying next to me, peacefully sucking at his binky. I’m overcome with a rush of love, an affection that feels miraculous, magical, but natural and just so right.

I’ve been contemplating the fact that I’ve been able to stay so relaxed even though he’s been crying a lot, has been very colicky and seems to sometimes just cry because he wants to and is bored. Why have I not felt more stressed with my lack of sleep and the fact that I haven’t really eaten a whole meal without him needing me in between bites?

Why have I not bawled my eyes out over the fact that his father chose to be there for him for one whole week (gasp) before letting him fall to the floor like a boiling egg?

Why have I, the former worrier who was always scared of life, herself, her challenges, been able to move beyond my fears and doubts and become a super confident mom in such a short amount of time?

I think there are a few things I did right before he was born.

I didn’t have any expectations

Before baby Johann was born, I didn’t think about the birth nor about the time after giving birth a lot. I had some dreams about our time together, but those were more about the distant future.

I didn’t plan on having a certain kind of birth. I just planned on experiencing the unexpected. I was asked many times if I wanted to have a water birth or if I was going to have a natural birth. I just didn’t care. All I wanted was to have a healthy baby. If there was something happening and I’d have to have a cesarean, I was fine with it.

I didn’t want to attach myself to any specific way because I knew that it was going to hurt me more than it would help me and it paid off for sure.

I didn’t expect him to be a quiet baby. I didn’t worry about him being a crybaby. I didn’t worry about how many times he was going to wake up at night.

And as a result, there were no disappointment, no let downs, no unresolved expectations. It just was the way it was and it was perfect.

I didn’t plan on any “upbringing” methods

I had one book that I read for my pregnancy. I had some ideas about what I was going to do like raising Johann bilingual and having weight NOT be an issue at all.

Everything else, I did intuitively. I took him out of his bed when he cried and it felt right. I carried him around for as long as it felt right. I let him sleep in my bed when it felt right and it did. Often. And obviously still does.

I know there is the “raising-a-baby-the-right-way-police” sharing all the do’s and don’ts, but I won’t listen to them. He’s my baby and I can raise him exactly the way I want. My choice is to do it intuitively. Hence, my calmness.

I accepted help

I was pretty obnoxious before Johann was born. I thought I could manage on my own and in a way, I still think I could’ve.

But – and this is a BIG but – it was so so so much easier to transition into this new life with the help of my family. They’re crazy about him and so it was a win-win to have them take care of him when I needed to work, shower or just have a moment to breathe and be by myself.

I coached myself and was coached a lot

Even before my pregnancy began, I was going through major changes and had hired a life coach who helped me become stronger, more aligned with myself, more at peace and ultimately, more the Anne-Sophie that I am today.

I continued my coaching sessions throughout my pregnancy, which gave me a chance to talk about my fears, my beliefs and my internal blocks. I also coached myself a lot by asking about the motivations behind my thoughts and my feelings.

This, I’m sure, was the biggest contributor to my calmness and joy in these months of adjustment.

Of course, there were also many things I completely messed up.

One of those was going back to “work” after 2 weeks. Even though I’m working from home, it was still stressful to have to think about doing this and that when all I wanted to do was be with Johann, look at his perfect little hands and feet, hold him and just be in the moment with him.

Some of you might say that motherhood hasn’t even started yet. That the “best” is yet to come. That I got lucky and didn’t have any post-partum issues. And you’re right.

But still, I’m proud of myself for having managed the past few months the way I have. Because you know what, given my history, given my life, it could’ve been different – should’ve been if you ask the people who’ve spent my life with me.

And knowing how I’ve grown in the past year, I know that I’m ready to face any challenges that will arise in the coming years.

Because…

Juse a year ago, I was a little girl who didn’t know what to do with her life and now I know.

Just a year ago, I would’ve never felt good enough to just figure everything out one step at a time and now I feel.

Just a year ago, I would’ve never dreamt of trusting my intuition and myself enough to just ease into the process of motherhood and now I trust.

Just a year ago, I could’ve never imagined the love I feel for this little human being and now I feel.

Aaand just a year ago, I would’ve never dreamt of worrying about the color of my baby’s poop and now I’m a master poop reader.

You see, just a year ago, I wasn’t whole.

But now I am.