There and back again (How to go on vacation without obsessing about food and your body!)

Another vacation is done.
Another trip to what I’ve always called home.
St. Tropez and NY.

Those two places own my heart.

From the very first day I went down to St. Tropez, 20 years ago, I knew.

Just knew.

There are so many memories attached to this place.
I witnessed the place grow from a simple camping site to what they now call a resort.
We spent thousands of hours laughing, dreaming, playing Tennis, dancing in the Kids Disco, eating pizza and admiring the yachts.
Most of my favorite childhood memories happened down there.
Johann learned how to walk there, 2 years ago.

I did some crazy shit down there, that’s for sure.

The dieting.
The tears.
The damn scale.

There were fights.
Friendships broke apart.
My heart was broken.

And we always came back.
Back home.

No choice.
No other way.

This little piece of land is my magic.

2 weeks gone, not one piece written here.

I couldn’t.
I wanted.

But nothing flowed.

I needed to be.

No 1000 word days.
Not even 100 word days.

And that’s the way it is at times, isn’t it?

There are times when we go full speed (hello April – I was on FIRE)
and times when we need to take it easy, rest and just be.

At that beach.
In my memories.
Making new ones.

Coming home, then, is never easy
and this is where your mindset comes in.

Because, in truth, we’re always at home.

Our body is our home.
We are our home.

No place, no special vacation,
no extraordinary experience can make up for the fact that
you
are
your
home.

And how are you treating your home at this point?

How are you taking care of it?
How are you loving your home up?

In all the best ways or not at all?

15 years ago, on vacation, I’d hate on my body.
I’d binge for 2 weeks, gaining more weight than I thought would be possible.
I’d eat an entire box of ice-cream every night, sometimes two.
I’d have my scale with me and it was so threatening, so painful, so everything-I-didn’t-want that I couldn’t but binge, rebel, do the exact opposite.

Today, I know that this is the law of the universe. Back then, I had no idea what I was doing.

All I knew was that I was in pain, that I’m hurting, that I couldn’t control myself.

Today, I know that the restriction of the months before led me to the overeating, the binging, the needing to rescue myself from all the crap I’d been doing to my body.

Today, I know that I couldn’t but binge.
Today, I know that it was because of my dieting that I was overeating.
Today, I go on vacation and I eat what I want when I want without fear, shame or guilt and – guess what – I am not losing control.

I am not overeating.
I am not binging.
I am not thinking about eating all day long.
I can actually enjoy my vacation and make memories that last for a lifetime.

Today, I am free of all the bullshit that I used to think I had to do before.

So, how are you treating your home?
How are you restricting your food and your life?
Where are you trying to control things that are not controllable?

How are you hurting yourself more than you are loving yourself?

The truth is that I had to learn to love myself as I am, not just my body, in order to heal fully.

I had to come to terms with my loud organ.
I had to embrace my silliness.
I had to be OK with me speaking faster than anyone I know.
I had to learn to love me being different, wanting different things and thinking different things without allowing others to change what I know in my heart to be true.

So, yeah, this whole “love yourself, love your body” journey is a trip of a lifetime. It’s an ever-evolving, ever-changing, ever-deepening road to your core and if you see all of life as a classroom, you’ll learn from every situation.

Your eyes will be opened at the most random times.
Your heart will be beating in more gentle ways.
Your thoughts will be thinking in more loving rhythms.

You energy will be spent on living the life of your dreams.
Your focus will change from needing to be thin to wanting to feel well and healthy and – most importantly – free.
Your life will transform, as will your respect for your body.

You will dive into the intuitive eating more and more and more and you’ll heal more deeply with every day, every month, every year.

It’s phenomenal to look at the milestones, to look back on where you were a year ago and see how much you’ve grown – again.
How much your inner life has changed – again.
How much more power you have – again.

So, don’t you give up
if you’re still in the “taking your scale on vacation” phase.

So, don’t you give up

if you’re still in the “I hate every part of my body” phase.

So, don’t you give up
if you’re still in the “I most control what I eat or I’ll end up being fat” phase.

So, don’t you give up
and allow your body to communicate with you.

Allow your core to heal.
Allow your life to change.
Allow your system to get back into balance.

So your body, mind and soul can play in perfect harmony again.
So you can wake up on vacation looking forward to your pain-au-chocolat without fear, shame or guilt, knowing that food alone won’t make you happy but that it is an awesome part of your day – one of many.

Make your body your home again.

Respect your body in all the best ways again.
Practice compassion.
Listen.
Throw away the scale.
Throw away the labels.

And create the freedom you’ve always known you truly deserved.

There and back again.

But I never really left
because – in truth –
I’m always home.

In my body.
In my soul.
In my core.

All of which I have come to love, respect and honor deeply.