As I’ve shared last week, I’ve slipped a bit when it comes to eating, exercising and not being on a diet.

I lost a bunch of weight and then, as it happens, I gained it all back with unexpected binges – painful and scary.

After more than 2 years of recovery, I feel like I’m starting from scratch.

However, as part of this setback, I realized once again that no matter how often I try to make my body fit into a box it doesn’t belong, it won’t stay there. Period. It just doesn’t happen that way.

So, I decided to quit dieting once and for all.  Yes, I am done with it. I’ve had enough. I am just tired of being hungry, fed up with saying “no” to everything I love and never allowed myself to have.

So, this week, for the first time in my life, I’ve allowed myself eat what I wanted when I wanted it, and boy has it been a ride.

Because I believe in honest, raw sharing, here’s a glimpse into my journal and my thoughts on my first week of true freedom since I was 10 years old (I’ve not always felt so free as you’ll see).

Disclaimer: This is uncut. I didn’t edit it at all. So, please don’t judge my writing style or lack of coherence. Go read/watch my usual posts/videos to see my usual high quality writing. 

Day 1: 

After my binge last night, I feel raw, vulnerable and, yes, so so fat. I constantly check my arms, look at my swollen face in the mirror and touch my stomach. Hasn’t it been so much flatter yesterday? Argh, I’ve ruined it all.

I’m not really hungry and I’m experiencing acid reflux. The heat is getting to me and I feel quite depressed. Should I just begin a cleanse now? I mean, it would make sense, no? And maybe, I’d lose the many pounds I’ve gained in the last few weeks. No, I want to break the cycle and I want to finally be free and feel alive again.

So, I listen to my body and have a light lunch. I go to the gym and after 20 minutes, I’m done. I’m not in the mood and it’s just too hot. At night, I have a small dinner and feeling quite stuffed, but pleased with myself for eating what I truly wanted to have.

Day 2: 

I woke up feeling a little bit lighter today. Thank god for that. I have my usual breakfast, more out of habit than because I really want to eat. I need a good cup of coffee and decide to go work at Starbucks. I love my soy lattes so much. Lunch is a mock tuna salad, which I looooove. But am I just eating it because it’s quick and convenient? I am not sure but opt to eat it anyway.

I try to work out, but again, it’s just too hot. It bothers me, yes, but I won’t push through anymore. I know it’s not healthy.

Is it OK to skip dinner because we’re both so not hungry in this heat? I’m not so sure. I have a hunch that if I don’t eat now, the pressure will accumulate and I’ll eat too much later or tomorrow. So, a delicious salad it is. Who’d have thought that I’d ever eat that? My parents would be so proud, right, mom?

Day 3:

Woke up at 3am because it’s so hot. My first thoughts: OMG, what am I going to eat today? Is this going to mess everything up? Will this BS ever end? I go through the day in a bit of a haze. I’m not really hungry. I feel like I’m trapped in the world of homo faber, sweating, unable to move, unable to think. 

We try everything to cool down – from putting our clothes in the freezer to creating our own water fan. Dinner is a bag of cashews and a frozen apple. That’s what I wanted and I ate it. #proud.

Day 4:

Big Big Big BINGE. I mean HUGE. As I’m eating ice-cream, I’m reminded of the girl I once was. I remember walking home from school, almost fainting. I was so weak, so scared, insecure. I remember how hungry I was and how I wished that I could just let go and be like everyone else around me: full of life and without all this anxiety. I wasn’t thinking back to a particular day because this day was my everyday.

I feel like I’m eating a box of ice-cream just for her, the girl I once was, the girl that missed out on so many moments of her youth. I don’t know if this is healthy, probably not, but she deserves to taste freedom, doesn’t she? I don’t want to live my life hungry and chained to having a certain size. I’ve wasted too much of my life on all this stuff. I’m so over it. I’m so done.

Eating pizza for the first time in years. What a breakthrough.

Day 5:

What have I done? I feel awful. So so so so fat. So ugly. So defeated. Wearing my husband’s clothes because I’m so bloated. Part of me is furious that I’ve ruined everything I’ve done in the last three months. Part of me knows that this is normal and OK.

I remind myself that it won’t always feel this way. It’s something new, something I am just not used to anymore. Bought M&Ms because I’ve wanted to eat them since last Sunday. Didn’t want to eat at first, but I promised to myself to honor my commitment.

The bag of M&Ms is gone, my mind is counting the calories. Ugh But there’s no turning back now.

Day 6:

Feeling so so big this morning. This turns out to be quite a trend, no? I am thinking back to three weeks ago when I was so thin and felt so light, but I was miserable too. Sooo hungry. Will I ever find the middle ground? Will I ever find balance and honor my body’s true needs and hungers? What if this doesn’t work? What if they’ve got it all wrong? What if I have it all wrong? What then? 

Nothing in the fridge for breakfast. I’m craving something green. I should go out to buy some stuff, but I’m too lazy, so coffee it is. Working out for an hour for the first time in a week and it feels so good that I want to cry. Thank god for this cooler weather.

I go out and buy ice-cream. Need I say that two boxes are gone within a couple of hours?

Day 7:

All I want is something healthy this morning. I make the most delicious green smoothie that tastes like heaven. It turns out to be the best day of the week. I feel full of energy and am more productive and focused than in weeks.

I feel there’s hope. I feel that I’m rebelling but I also see how my body demands what it wants. I’m listening, my love, I really am – for the first time in a very long time. I honor you. I respect you and I know that all you want is for me to thrive, stay alive and serve others through you. I’m listening, I really am. 

I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know where this road is taking me. All I know is that I don’t want to live with meal plans anymore and I don’t want to diet all my life. I want to continue my journey to freedom and this includes breaking free from my dependance on having a certain body shape or eating certain kinds of food.

I have a hunch that this journey is going to be a messy one, but so is life, right? I’ve made it so far, broke free from so many limiting beliefs and destructive habits. This last part will happen too. I can feel it. Somewhere out there.

I want to hear from you! Have you been on a diet since, well, forever? Have you quit dieting and are living completely free? Share your thoughts and if you liked this post, please share it with someone who might need to hear that she’s not alone!