Easter used to be a big old binge fest for me.

I’d wake up before 6am anticipating the chocolate, the cakes, the Easter feast.

Before Easter, I’d restrict for weeks in order to then be “allowed” to eat, to dig in, to inhale chocolate Easter bunnies and eggs without “guilt”.

I’d exercise for hours a day to maximize the bingeing effect on Easter.

It was exciting.
It was all I could think about for weeks.

So, this day, a day that really is about family (and obviously Christ if you’re Christian), was all about the food.

I got up, had breakfast and ate as much as I’d usually eat in a week.
I’d eat Easter eggs until I felt sick.

But I couldn’t stop. I had to eat.
I had to continue.

The Easter Lunch Feast.
Cake.

I felt nauseous but I had to eat more.

More Easter eggs.
More chocolate.
More cake.

Dinner.
More food.

Ice-cream; just because.
Acid reflux.
The thought of food made me want to throw up (I never did!), but I had to eat more.

I ate until the moment I could go to bed – no space to breathe, no space to feel, not a single memory of Easter other than foooood.

And then the dieting began again.

It was pure insanity but it made sense to me at that time.
It was my life after all.
Everything I’d known for years and nothing would ever change the way I did food.

I had to be thin and in order to stay thin, this was what I had to do –
or so I thought.

Today, fortunately, everything’s different

and I don’t miss my old life in the slightest way.

Easter is just another day food-wise. There are no binges. There’s no desire to eat chocolate in amounts that make me feel sick. There’s no fear, no guilt, no shame.

Everything changed years ago when I started healing my crazy behavior around food and I slowly but surely began to heal from the inside out.

8 years ago on Easter Sunday I still looked emaciated, incredibly sick, without any strength and I was a mere shadow of my Self.

I was in in-patient treatment, hopeless and thought my life was going to end because I had to gain weight to keep my heart beating.

6 years ago on Easter Sunday I was in NYC walking through the thousands of participants in the Easter bonnet parade.

I took a chance to make my dream of living in the US come true. After a relapse, I was healthy, free, had no desire to binge or restrict in order to shape and form my body to please an imaginary weight loss God.

5 years ago on Easter Sunday I was super pregnant

and impatiently awaiting little Johann. My eating disorder no where to be seen, gone for good.

Today, I’m a mommy to this crazy boy. I haven’t thought about dieting in years.

Haven’t had a binge in 4 years, no need to restrict my food (ever), no need to overeat, no need to overexercise. And my weight has been more constant than in my entire lifetime.

I know I won’t binge tomorrow.
I know I won’t binge the day after.
And if I do, then that’s OK-
as I can go with the flow in all the best ways.

I’m fully nourished on a body, mind and soul level.
I’m happy.
I’m confident.

I take care of myself, I allow myself to explore life in the ways I desire and I truly enjoy every single day.
I shed all layers of terror, I burnt through the many limiting beliefs holding me imprisoned and allowed myself to soar.

There’s no magic to any of this.
There’s no magic to escaping diet prison.
There’s no magic other than me allowing myself to be myself.

And in a way, that is magic.

Life changes on you. Your relationship to food changes on you – if you allow it too. If you don’t interfere and believe that by staying rigid you’ll be safe and content.

So, if you’re at a point of wanting to give up on yourself, on your life, on your journey to freedom, don’t.

Do not give up on yourself.
Do not let go of hope.
Do not give in to your fears.

For they will overwhelm you, lock you in your own tiny little world, shrink your horizon to that of calories, your body, your weight, you food – nothing else.

Do not allow that to happen and instead –

Believe.
Hope.
Dream.

Life is too incredible to give up on –
so don’t.

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