I’m unraveling.
The last 3 weeks have been … fucking hard.
I’ve been hitting rock bottom (again) and have been struggling to stay afloat more often than not.
It’s ridiculous when you look at the “facts” of what happened in the last couple of weeks:
One of my articles has been published on the Huffington Post, I’ve been named one of the Top 100 Blogs in 2012 and one of the Top 25 Eating Disorder Blogs, have published a new book and launched a new program.
I’m living my dream in NYC and will start a great new journey as a student of the Good Life Project.
Yet, somehow, I’m sad, depressed and my eating disorder has been more aggressive than in months: I’ve binged endlessly, gained a lot of weight in a short amount of time and, as you will know, have hardly been able to come to terms with that.
The fact that my pants don’t fit anymore is obviously close to a death sentence for my dark passenger aka. Annerexia.
But there’s an even more disconcerting thought that keeps haunting me:
am I a fraud?
Here I am teaching body-love and self-love and while I’m miles ahead of where I was when I started blogging 2 years ago, I’m still struggling – so much.
Don’t get me wrong; on most days,I love my body, I care for it so deeply and I respect it wholeheartedly.
I give it the exercise it deserves and have not overexercised in 2 years (how awesome is THAT?!), but in the last 3 weeks, I’ve been eating without tasting, stuffing without stopping until I felt so sick I could hardly breathe.
I haven’t purged, which is the most important thing, I guess, but I’m still wondering – am I credible to teach if I’m not completely healed, not at a point where I’ve got it all together and completely figured it out?
A little flashback
My recovery started about 2 years ago and the life I live today cannot be compared to the life I lived back then. I’m not waking up dreading every day, hating myself and the world. I’m not on the brink of dying and not feeling like I’m going to faint any moment.
No. Today, I’m strong, I’m energetic and I’m happy and full of life.
I’m proud of myself and what I have achieved in those 2 short years. I’m proud of having built a great platform and I’m honored to have such a great number of readers, friends and supporters.
I’m good.
Or so I thought.
Until I started reading May Cause Miracles.
And that’s where it all went downhill.
I started to dig deeper again, opened up old wounds. I started to uncover that 2 years into recovery, I was still placing a lot of my self-worth on my body and how toned it was or wasn’t. I was still comparing myself to thinner women. I was still jealous, oh so very jealous and I was still scared.
Scared of not being taken seriously. Scared of not being worthy. Scared of being laughed at when I would truly let go and slowly grow into a body that is uniquely mine without looking left or right and without needing the approval of you, her or him.
These horrendously false beliefs didn’t prevent me from living fully and they didn’t keep me locked in my anorexia.
I was going strong with them, but now I know that they were still haunting me – subconsciously, subtly – and preventing me from doing the world-changing work I strongly believe I’m meant to do.
So here I sit realizing that I’m still sitting in a bucket of fear.
I’m still scared
I’m scared that my art is not good enough.
I’m still terrified that if everything is stripped away and I’m standing there without my “looks”, my skinny body, I’m not enough.
Some tiny part of me is still holding on to the false belief that I may need my skinny body, my controlled mind one day because I won’t have success in the important areas of life.
And this tiny part of me has been blown up in the last few weeks.
Maybe I needed to gain that weight to have even more energy and do more work.
Maybe I needed to give in to all of my ice-cream and peanut butter cravings just to prove a point to myself.
Or maybe I needed to overcome this one last hurdle and throw away this false safety net for good.
And surely I needed to realize that I, Anne-Sophie, am good enough, no matter what.
Here I am – baring it all.
Am I a fraud?
No, I’m a teacher who is continually learning.
Will I ever arrive?
No, and I’m glad I won’t.
Life isn’t perfect, it never is.
It’s up to us to meet the challenges we’re given, unravel for a while but get up again – slowly, gently and stronger than ever before.
Yes, I’m unraveling.
But I trust that this is healing, this is life.
This post reminds me of a baseball. It has a soft leather cover, then the inside is mostly cotton and yarn. But the core is tough. Yeah, the leather can tear and the ball will start to unravel, but it can be fixed, especially if it is the only baseball you have and you want to keep on playing. You have a great baseball, one that’s worth fixing. And I know you will do it. Hope you can see the pic.
Wow, Joanne. I never ever thought of it this way. Thank you for sharing this with us. 🙂 Made my day. I’m a baseball. lol
Anne,it is very normal to get unraveled. All of us do. It’s about getting back and picking up the pieces to continue your journey,
It is a journey, isn’t it?.
The fact alone that you openly unravel will help everybody that is suffering, including you if you allow yourself the same privilege. People in N.Y. and L.A. unravel equally just the same, no matter of their status or money. .As long as you do, you are breathing and you are alive.I think we all have to rewrite our story in a new version of how we used to see ourselves and what we have become. The new image has to be embraced -not rejected. You need to allow yourself your new look and even a binge once in a while. All of us have something out of the ordinary, because on some level we still buy into fear. What we all strive for is never outside of ourselves and has nothing to do with how we look.
I read this blog yesterday and it ties into your/our question for life as well. In an age- related blog Leezaa Gibbons writes quote:
We are a culture of second chances and we love to cheer for the underdog, unless we’re “it”.
While I don’t think starting over has to involve a lot of rewinding, it does require that you take some time to introduce yourself to who you are now.
If you stand emotionally naked in front of your mirror you might find that you are still in love with some former version of yourself such as when you were thinner, when you were married, or when you made more money.
Or maybe you are grieving for a future part of yourself that you have already pronounced stillborn without ever giving her a chance to be squeezed by the birth canal on the way to life.
I think life is a series of holding on and letting go. The trick is to know when to do each one. Sometimes we need to let go of who we were so we can create space for who we are becoming.
Sometimes we do forget our music and the steps to life’s dance seem to feel awkward and trip all over ourselves. That’s when we need to rely on others to play our music back for us when we forget our song.
End of Quote:
Birth that Anne Girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you girl and struggle just the same at times, but try to live my life the best I know. Luise
Wow. There’s so much greatness in both your words and the quote that I have nothing to add in fear I’d ruin it. I love the imagery and I will, will, will birth that girl Anne-Sophie and I’m grateful you’re with me on the journey. 🙂
Wow. There’s so much greatness in both your words and the quote that I have nothing to add in fear I’d ruin it. I love the imagery and I will, will, will birth that girl Anne-Sophie and I’m grateful you’re with me on the journey. 🙂
Am 12.02.2013 um 16:24 schrieb “Disqus” :
After 16 years of personal development work and 12 years of coaching & training, I can assure you without a doubt that you are not a fraud. You are walking the talk of this work and yes, sometimes it is fucking hard. Sometimes I hate it and wish I could go back, because doing the work is so damn uncomfortable. But then again, not really…I could never go back to that time of not knowing and not being responsible for my life. I don’t think you can either.
And then I wonder if the caterpillar transforming in its cocoon feels the same discomfort. Just like it, you are in the process of transformation, becoming more wonderfully, magically, genuinely you.
That is not fraud. That is a miracle.
You speak truth, Sandi. I don’t think that once we ‘see’ and ‘know’ and believe there’s even more, we can’t go back. Ever.
If working in this field means going through these shifts and becoming “more”, then I’m in, even if it sucks sometimes. Thanks for the encouragement, Sandi. I hope that I’ll still have the privilege to others in 16 years like you are doing it
You speak truth, Sandi. I don’t think that once we ‘see’ and ‘know’ and believe there’s even more, we can’t go back. Ever.
If working in this field means going through these shifts and becoming “more”, then I’m in, even if it sucks sometimes. Thanks for the encouragement, Sandi. I hope that I’ll still have the privilege to others in 16 years like you are doing it.
Am 12.02.2013 um 16:54 schrieb “Disqus” :
As someone who also teaches and coaches, I can tell you that there is *always* more to learn. If you’re still here with us on this planet, that means you’re not done. I’m still learning, but that doesn’t mean I can’t teach others. And they — in turn — teach me back. It’s a beautiful (sometimes fucking hard) circle.
A circle it is and learning is the most wonderful thing we can do, even if it hurts – at least that’s what I’m telling myself on the very hard days. Thank you for commenting, Tea.
A circle it is and learning is the most wonderful thing we can do, even if it hurts – at least that’s what I’m telling myself on the very hard days. Thank you for commenting, Tea.
Am 12.02.2013 um 17:03 schrieb “Disqus” :
it is part of the cycle… there are ups and downs. You have had a lot of stress with coming to USA and starting over… new jobs. Ana is going to try to take advantage of that. You can never give in. Just because you felt like you were on top of things and feeling great… the game isn’t over, you haven’t “won”…. Always eat like you should, always exercise in moderation to stay strong and healthy.. never over do anything. NEVER PURGE… that will start the cycle. Never give into the old ways that ana had on you. You are strong… this is hard.. very hard. And yes, there are many times when it is hard to even get out of bed. I have been there, I understand it all. I am going through it now and some other things too.. but I am trying so hard to find any shred of anything to hold onto. You Anne Sophie, are not a fraud… you are a woman who has an eating disorder who went to get help for it, and wanted to reach out to others to help them in any way that she could. You my dear are a God send in so many ways. You have touched so many hearts by what you do. Even on your down days, no one can fault you, because you are only human, and no one puts you on a pedestal. We all know that you are not perfect, nor are we. You have wonderful advice to give and we are free to take it or leave it and pass it on as we choose. So be kind to your self this week as you are feeling low. I love you sweet Anne-Sophie. Text me if you want. i am just recouping myself, since I cant do anything still!! 🙁 Love you so much, karen
Karen, it’s true, Ana is still lurking around trying to attack. And yes, we have to always do what the sane, healthy part of our mind is telling us. I think this was the lesson I needed to learn in the last weeks and I also needed to start over again in many other areas of my life. I’m back to bring me now ; whatever that means and whoever that is. <3
Karen, it’s true, Ana is still lurking around trying to attack. And yes, we have to always do what the sane, healthy part of our mind is telling us. I think this was the lesson I needed to learn in the last weeks and I also needed to start over again in many other areas of my life. I’m back to bring me now ; whatever that means and whoever that is. <3
Am 12.02.2013 um 17:05 schrieb "Disqus" :
Anything we struggle with, truly struggle with, generally stays with us our whole lives. I think what you’re experiencing is normal and, no, you are not a fraud in the least. To say solving a significant problem of any sort is easy, just isn’t true. We all have good days and bad. Ups and downs. To say everything was easy every day, well, THAT would be fraudulent.
Keep fighting, Anne-Sophie. It’s those who have fought the struggle, who understand it best.
I will, Amber. I know I’ll get stronger from this. Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. I like the idea that those who always say that life is all butterflies and blue skies are fraudulent. Unfortunately, so many bloggers do, which paints this picture perfect world that puts a lot of pressure on the “normal” people aka. those, that don’t just share the good sides. We all have good days and bad days and I’m always “happy” to show reality. lol
Beautiful post. With any journey of change, I have found that there is an ebb and flow of the process. I often feel that I take a step forward and two back. You are human like us all. What is wonderful is that you are sharing your story, so that others can learn from you and know that they are not alone. Take care.
Thank you, Cathy. It feels good to know I’m not the only one experiencing this, which is why I chose to share it. We’re all in this together, aren’t we?
Thank you, Cathy. It feels good to know I’m not the only one experiencing this, which is why I chose to share it. We’re all in this together, aren’t we?
Am 12.02.2013 um 17:22 schrieb “Disqus” :
Wow what an awesome article. I love Gabby’s new book and have studied ACIM for over 20 years. You are right where you need to be and wowzer on The Good Life Project! Just remember you are enough. There is nothing to fix or change about you. Just love love love it all! xo
Now, THAT’s a pep talk I needed. It’s true: I am right where I need to be. And if the last few days have showed me anything it’s that “purging” my thoughts and thereby helping others, helped me tremendously. Sharing and loving is good.
Now, THAT’s a pep talk I needed. It’s true: I am right where I need to be. And if the last few days have showed me anything it’s that “purging” my thoughts and thereby helping others, helped me tremendously. Sharing and loving is good.
Am 12.02.2013 um 17:25 schrieb “Disqus” :
Wonderful vulnerable post – and isn’t it the good news that the journey isn’t ever done? Who want’s that – there’s always the next aha around the corner and sometimes the next bump in the road and it’s all good. It’s our life and it’s beautiful, as are you.
Thanks for speaking out loud what so many in the world feel Anne.
Love Elle
xoxo
Elle, you’re totally right. Life would be boring if it were always the same and I do love my adventures. I find that by sharing the worries and joys with others, it all gets more bearable and enjoyable. Growing pains are good ones as long as you’re determined to make it out stronger, healthier and wiser in some tiny way.
Elle, you’re totally right. Life would be boring if it were always the same and I do love my adventures. I find that by sharing the worries and joys with others, it all gets more bearable and enjoyable. Growing pains are good ones as long as you’re determined to make it out stronger, healthier and wiser in some tiny way.
Am 12.02.2013 um 17:37 schrieb “Disqus” :
Anne-Sophie,
I can totally relate to what you’re going through. You are most definitely not a fraud!
We all have self-doubts at times. What you have done is put yourself “out there” and that magnifies your doubts. Do not think for one moment that what you share – faults and all – is not beneficial to other because it is. And, because you are so honest and brave to bare your soul it is even that much more helpful.
Keep going…you are heading in the right direction.
All my best,
Angela
Thank you, Angela. Your words mean a lot to me. You mentioned that we all have self-doubts and I think you’re head on. That’s one thing I’ve noticed when I listen to interviews of my role models and mentors. We’re all human after all.
Thank you, Angela. Your words mean a lot to me. You mentioned that we all have self-doubts and I think you’re head on. That’s one thing I’ve noticed when I listen to interviews of my role models and mentors. We’re all human after all.
Am 12.02.2013 um 17:52 schrieb “Disqus” :
I have taught writing and reading to middle school students since 1996–nearly 17 years. I have won awards and promotions and the love and support of many parents, colleagues and students.
I feel like a fraud every day. The thing? I think it’s part of the territory of teachers, of people who CARE and who reflect deeply. What I have learned to do is celebrate where I am and to acknowledge that we’re all in process, all the time.
I love your honesty, and if I–or anyone else, especially YOU–needed confirmation that you’re not a fraud, your honesty tells the whole story.
Thank you, Ellen. I love your point as to saying that we believe we’re a fraud because we care so deeply. I never thought of it that way but it’s a very valid point. If we didn’t care, we wouldn’t even give it a second thought.
Am 12.02.2013 um 19:45 schrieb “Disqus” :