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Why Failing at Committing Suicide was The Biggest Blessing of My Life

by Anne-Sophie Reinhardt on April 25, 2012

My eyes open reluctantly. My head feels heavy and my mind is numb. I see my mom sobbing, feel my dad checking my pulse.

It’s February 28th, 2006 and I had just tried to commit suicide.

This day had been coming for a number of years. All the pressure that I had been under, all the humiliations I’ve been through, all the sadness, pain and misery erupted in a desperate act to end it all.

When I think back to those years, I see that the yearning to physically stop existing was just a result of the deadness I already felt inside. My life had turned into a living hell and it seemed to get worse every single day.

When One Incident Determines Your Fate

I remember the night before taking an overdose quite clearly. I had positioned my dad’s stationary bike in front of the TV in the living room to work out while I was watching one of my favorite TV shows, Ally McBeal.

Watching TV downstairs was always risky because I knew that once my brother was going to come home, he’d want to take over instantly. But I didn’t have that channel on the TV in my room, so I took the risk. I wish I hadn’t.

The scenario that followed after my brother entered the door coming home from soccer practice was the same I had experienced a million times.

Without so much as a question, he came in, took the remote control and changed the channel. My reaction to this arrogant and humiliating behavior changed on how strong I felt. On this evening, I fought. I protested.

I tried to get the remote back, but failed. I don’t know if he hit me, but it doesn’t matter. He had humiliated me already in taking away my rights of being equal to him. I sobbed. I was crushed, but not surprised.

This action may seem minor to you, petty even, but it was only the tip of the iceberg. I had suffered 17 years of being belittled, beaten up, mentally abused and completely run down by this guy three years older than me.

I had tried to stand up for myself and had been beaten harder because of it. But on that night, it was just too much.

As so often, I needed sleeping meds to go to sleep and find a little piece and quiet. Why was I not strong enough to move out? Why had I deserved this? Why me?

Because you’re worthless. You deserve it.

I believed him.

When he screamed at me the next morning for reasons I cannot remember, I was done. I had had enough. All my strength was gone.

All my willingness to hold on to the few good things in my life evaporated. All my love for my family was overwritten by a feeling of numbness. All my hope crushed and all I wanted was to disappear forever.

So, I quietly went upstairs, took an overdose of sleeping meds, wrote a short letter explaining why I had decided to end it all and went to bed.

Saying that I thought of anybody else in that situation would be the biggest lie I ever told. The truth is that once you hit rock bottom, your misery takes over all of your thoughts and feelings and you become the most selfish person in the world.

I did not care that my mom was going out of her mind. I did not feel for my baby sister who couldn’t believe what had just happen. I did not care about how this might have affected my father.

It was all about me and how I longed for being gone.

The mixture of emotions I felt during the next few days are hard to describe. In one minute I would laugh hysterically only to go into an endless stream of tears. For a while I felt like I was losing my mind.

I wish I could tell you that from this point on, my life had turned around, my family woken up and my brother banned from our home forever. None of this happened.

My depression worsened, my eating disorder got more serious and my life was going in no direction whatsoever.

Yet, I was unable to make any changes, wasn’t strong enough to be on my own.

It would take me 5 more years to really get back on my feet, graduate from high school and start going to university.

I would have to get married and admit myself to a treatment facility to be treated for anorexia before I could even being to understand the beauty of life and why it is worth fighting for.

But it is.

Why Live Is Always Worth Fighting For

It is worth fighting for a place where you get up in the morning and be excited about the day.

It is worth fighting for a time when you are not crippled by a numbness that is keeping you from inhaling life.

It is worth fighting for a day when you feel free, happy and fulfilled.

It is worth pushing through even the hardest of struggles because when you come back out, you will be stronger.

Yes, I have gone through a lot of unnecessary shit, but I am at a place where I don’t wish for those years to disappear.

Those years shaped the person I am today. Those years made me a fighter, an optimist and a girl who is ready to embrace life with both arms, no matter what it throws in her way.

Hitting rock bottom, feeling like you’re completely crushing and then building yourself up again is an extremely difficult, but also incredibly enlightening and rewarding experience.

It terrifies you, it drains you, it makes you insecure and sometimes breaks a part of yourself, but it never makes you weaker.

My past has made me more mature than most people my age. It has given me an incredible perspective on what life really is about.

It has given me the capacity to let go and move on, even when it hurts like hell and you don’t have all the answers you wished for. It has given me a clear and unwavering quest for justness that will be with me until the day I die.

We all go through hard times. We all deal with crisis. We all have moments when we don’t think we can move on.

It is easy to fall into the trap of believing you’re never going to see the other side of it.

It is easy to feel helpless and powerless and to want to give up trying.

Yet, when we do, we grow, we transform, we evolve.

It’s time to wake up and see those rough times as chances to reevaluate everything in your life and make the best out of it.

So get up, shake the fears, let go off the misery and reclaim your life.

You can do it.

I believe in you.

{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

Chris April 25, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Thanks for this beautiful, honest and very strong post! I find it very encouraging and rewarding to read – please continue writing!
Love, Chris

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Anne-Sophie April 26, 2012 at 7:15 am

Hi Chris,

thanks for commenting. I am glad to hear you liked the post. I was a bit nervous about publishing it. xoxo

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Corinne Rodrigues April 28, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Thank you for sharing so authentically, Annie. It takes a lot of courage to do that. However, I’m sure this sharing of yours will help someone else in need. This resonates so much with me, as just yesterday I wrote a post about a blogger friend who committed suicide 🙁

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Anne-Sophie April 28, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Corinne, thanks so much for commenting. I am so sorry for your loss. It is horrible when someone thinks that suicide is the only option left and we often don’t think about the damage we cause to other people. I am sending you love and strength.

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melissa April 28, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Hi Anne-Sophie, I thank Corinne who shared this link on her page. I wrote a comment in her post that if we only knew the psyche of those undergoing depression, we would be able to understand them a whole lot more and not judge them.

I could very well resonate with what you have felt but for different reasons. I really thank God that you ‘survived’ this incident, yes, not all people do.

I believe that it isn’t because of our own strength that we are able to decide better but it something supernatural as it allows us to go beyond our own inclinations. I believe that that point when you were able to decide no against suicide, was a real moment of grace ~ a blessing as you have called it.

Family of friends who have been left with the wound, would ask me ‘why’ and I have no answer for that… it’ll take time to heal and I pray that they will have peace in God’s time.

Thank you for sharing this and I pray you continue to reach out to other people.

You are precious.

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Anne-Sophie April 30, 2012 at 8:53 am

Hi Melissa,

I agree with you. We need more education on what goes on in a mind of someone who struggles with depression. It’s such a wide-spread illness and takes so many lives. Unfortunately you are right and many don’t survive or never make it out of a depression, but the more support we give to someone who is struggling, the better the chances that the result will be a good one.

Big hugs to you.

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HummingLoon May 1, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Thank you for writng this. I feel very close to this having struggled in a very similar way for years. It may sound a bit trite, but congrats to you for getting to where you are: healthy.

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Anne-Sophie May 2, 2012 at 8:14 am

Hey there,

thanks for commenting. I am sorry to hear you’ve been struggling like this for years. I really hope that you can get to a place were you’re healthy and free too. Life is too precious to throw it away or give up on yourself. Stay strong even if it feels overwhelming. Big hugs to you.

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Be Inspired! May 27, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Reading this touched me very deeply. I have been struggling with depression now that I’m back to a normal weight. Life just seems so hard at times. I can get sad very fast. I feel empty. And tired. And at a loss as how to get back to a state of (naturally negative) happiness that anorexia seemed to have given me. I expected recovery to bring me good things. That has happened physically, but mentally I’m tempted to say – even though I know I shouldn’t – that feel worse.

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Anne-Sophie May 29, 2012 at 6:11 am

Susa,

how cool to see you on this site too! I always smile when I see your smiling face. 🙂

I am so sorry that you feel this way. I think it’s natural though (even though it really sucks). You’ve been used to the life with an eating disorder for such a long time that you need time to get used to this completely new way of living. Have you considered antidepressants?

Big hugs, my friend.

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Paul October 20, 2012 at 1:39 am

Susa, I want to say to you and to everyone else on here who do have struggles with depression; For what it’s worth, I hope that every time you feel sad or depressed, please realize that there are people everywhere around the world, including me, who want to tell you that you are a beautiful, unique person, and have things to give this world that NO ONE else has to give, and you deserve only the best. I truly mean that, and there are so many other people in the world who would tell you the same, and we’re all pulling for you. This goes for everyone on here, you are all worth so much, and bring something that no one else can bring to this world.

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Anne-Sophie October 20, 2012 at 9:26 am

Paul, thank you so so much for your sweet words. I know you wrote this in reply to Susa but I needed to hear these words today. Community is the best part of living and yes, we’re all pulling for each other.
Anne-Sophie

http://aMINDmedia.com
Empower Yourself

Am 20.10.2012 um 03:39 schrieb “Disqus” :

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Paul October 20, 2012 at 4:28 pm

You’re so welcome! I really mean it, and I wanted the message to go to you and everyone else on here as well as Susa. You are definitely making a difference in people’s lives for the good. You put so much energy and love into your posts and your videos, it is easy to see you care a lot. I hope you can see what a difference you are making, and know you are very special. I hope your day is going great.

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Anne-Sophie October 20, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Thanks, Paul. That really means a lot. And, just so you know, your notes and comments are making a difference as well! My day just got better and better. How about yours?

Felicity October 29, 2012 at 3:49 am

It gets easier with age. Thanks for sharing your story, I know it was difficult. With humility and vulnerability we can help others who are struggling and think they are alone.

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Anne-Sophie October 29, 2012 at 7:40 am

Hi Felicity, I totally agree. Yes, it’s not always easy to share things that make you feel vulnerable, but when doing so, you open up a world of possibilities for others to see that they’re not alone and that life is fighting for after all.

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Paul October 20, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Thanks a lot, I really appreciate it. And am so glad to hear your day is going better now! My day is also getting better and better 🙂

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Anne-Sophie October 21, 2012 at 9:12 am

That’s the way it should be! 😀

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