Fork to mouth.
Fork to mouth.
Fork to mouth.
Why can’t I stop?
Let me stop.
I want to stop.
Please
Can’t.
Want.
Just please.
Oh God,
I want to fucking stop.
Fork to mouth.
Fork to mouth.
Can’t think.
Can’t feel.
Don’t even taste a thing.
I want to stop.
Must put the fork down.
Just do it already.
It’s not that difficult.
Dammit, just stop.
Can’t.
I want.
Please.
Oh please please please.
Just let me stop.
Take a breath.
Just put your hand on your heart for a moment.
Just do it.
Hand, just do it.
Fork to mouth.
I hate myself.
I want to stop.
I can’t.
It’s hard.
It’s never going to change.
I’m never going to change.
I’ll be so fat tomorrow.
This is getting worse.
Oh please just just let me stop.
I can’t handle this.
Tears fall down her face.
Sobs start to arise from the deepest part of her body.
I want to stop.
Why can’t I stop?
Because there’s still room.
You’ll have to diet tomorrow.
No food tomorrow.
This is the only way.
Promise?
I won’t eat.
No, won’t eat.
OK, a bit more.
Tomorrow it’ll all be different.
Oh, God.
Let me stop.
I don’t want to do this anymore.
Tears
Sobs
Hysterical wailing.
The knowledge that there won’t be a diet.
That this is not the way.
That something else has to change.
Needs to shift.
From the most vulnerable parts of her despair to the most powerful version of who she’s always been.
Fork to mouth.
One last time.
Can’t breathe.
I’m tired.
This was it.
The last binge.
Never ever ever again.
I hate this.
I hate my body.
I hate myself.
I am going fucking out of my mind.
I am insane.
This is all too much.
Can’t handle it.
Won’t do it again.
I promise.
Promise?
Yes, a diet tomorrow.
No, not again.
I can’t be doing this anymore.
I can’t be feeling like this anymore.
I want to be normal.
Just let me be normal.
Please.
What’s wrong with me?
Why can’t I stop this madness?
Escape this hell?
Why can I eat like a fucking normal person?
Stop when I’m full?
Every time, I’m scared.
Every time, I don’t even want to start.
And every time it excites me again.
It’s not me.
I’m in a haze.
In a zone.
In gaga land –
only that it’s hell.
It’s not me.
It’s too powerful.
It’s too much.
Why can’t I make myself stop?
I won’t, I know.
I’ll have to surrender.
I’ll need to breathe.
I’ll need to slowly make peace with where I’m at.
And finally, finally,
for the very first time
accept the fact that something is off –
in my life,
in the way I see and experience this world.
Gotta dig deep.
Gotta heal it all.
Gotta do the work.
It’s shameful.
I’m scared.
And I know that nothing will ever change
if I don’t go deep –
look at what’s inside,
notice,
ask,
and take the action I need to take in order to use the power of my binges,
those endless forms of self-torture,
to heal my life.
I want to stop.
I will stop
and I will live –
for the very first time.
***
Ready to stop the bingeing once and for all?
Ready to finally be able to eat without going full-blown insane?
Ready to step. it. up?
I have two special spots in a brand-new program available.
Send me a message if you’d like to hear the details.
Now’s the time –
no more waiting,
