While on vacation, walking around in my bikini all day long, seeing other women feel ashamed of their bodies, hearing women talk about diets and weight loss, I was reminded of the time when having a thigh gap was everything I could ever think about.
I have obsessed about my thigh gap long before thigh gaps where a thing.
I remember measuring my thighs every day, looking if they shrank, standing in front of the mirror checking if the gap between my thighs got visible larger and larger as I ate less and less.
I was proud of that thigh gap.
I adored how it showed my discipline.
I loved how it validated my non-existent self-esteem.
And then we went on vacation.
I must have been 15 or 16 years old.
It was just my mom, my sister and I and while we were having a good time singing Mika’s Grace Kelly, all I could think about was, yes, of course, my weight.
I wanted to eat and enjoy myself but I was terrified of losing control and gaining weight.
The struggle, the constant worry, the body checking, the daily fear of weight gain made it difficult to enjoy the time in my favorite spot on earth. Can you relate?
I pretended to have a good time, but inwardly I was falling apart.
Until one day, we decided to go to the harbor of Saint Tropez and on the way to the car, I noticed my thighs touching each other.
My. Oh. So. Precious. Thigh. Gap. Was Gone.
And I freaked out, not so inwardly anymore.
It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life.
My world fell apart.
Everything I had worked for so hard disappeared in this moment.
I had failed.
Who was I now that my thighs were “normal”?
Writing this now, it feels shameful, but it’s not.
If you’re struggling with this, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not comfortable to struggle with it (who am I kidding, it SUCKS), but it makes all the sense in the world.
In a world where all we have to be to be valuable is thin, losing your thinness means losing yourself, your worth, your value.
I had had it and then I’d lost it.
The vacation was ruined, I was ruined and I thought my world was going to end.
Well, it didn’t.
I’m still here. My world is still here. My thigh gap has come and gone over the years and I survived.
The thing with obsessing over a thigh gap or any other body part is that it’s never really about the gap between your thighs.
The motive of your terror of losing a level of fitness, of gaining weight, of not reaching that weight loss goal you’ve been told you needed to have since you were 8 years old is one that goes far deeper.
Do you know why you obsess about your arms, your butt, your weight?
Do you know the real why behind the tears and fears?
That’s the first thing to dig into once you’re ready to let go of your need for the perfect body. Or if the freakouts just get too much to bear, if every vacation is ruined, every morning is filled with dread, every day ends in tears.
What’s the fear that drives your obsession?
What are the limiting beliefs that make you engage in self-destruction?
And what are the limited decisions resulting from your commitment to pain?
You know, don’t you?
You are fully aware of why you’re doing what you’re doing – and if you don’t, is that true?
Tune in, ask your unconscious mind and listen.
You know.
The question then becomes if you’re willing to continue choosing pain over freedom.
The question then becomes if you’re willing to confront yourself, your motives, the way you’ve chosen to see the world.
The question then becomes if you’re ready to honor your power and your right for a fulfilled life.
It took me years to see that having a thigh gap wasn’t going to make me happy or live a blissful life.
Years of self-abuse and self-sabotage that isolated me from anyone and anything that was vibrant and fully alive.
My need for a silly gap between my thighs almost cost me my life and it definitely cost me the adventure of being a teenage girl.
What is your obsession over your body costing you?
And what is it you’re trying to gain by choosing this pain?
What are you scared of is going to happen once you stop dieting and start living your lie?
For me? I was scared of being judged by my mom and sister, but they didn’t even know about my obsession with my thighs. They didn’t see that suddenly my thighs touched. They didn’t care.
My fear of being ridiculed was just in my head.
My fear of being seen as less than was just an illusion.
The only person who saw herself as less than was me.
Because her entire image of her Self was based on an ever-changing body that doesn’t desire anything more than allowing her to thrive in life.
My thigh gap has come and gone, my self-esteem has soared because I chose to base it on what’s inside, what’s real, what lasts and what truly matters in life.
Your life. Your choice.
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Worried about the price? Thinking… ‘Holy cow!! Two full days with Anne-Sophie all to myself??!!! That must be like $15,000!!!’
LOL! I get it. I’ve invested thousands and thousands in my own growth and healing and I know that big pit, stomach drop that can happen when you make a big investment.
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And I get that investing $5000 in your mental health and happiness might still feel big, so let me add this:
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Is it time for you to be fierce? To be bold? To be courageous? To step into your magnificence?
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